A change of location, perhaps a change of pace.

I'm going home to York, Pa for Halloween weekend much to my boyfriend's chagrin. He hates whenever I go anywhere without him. I'll admit to having separation anxiety too.

But I really need a break from the responsibility and routine that I have while living in Pittsburgh. I haven't seen my parents in over 3 months and I've been missing them terribly. I also want to see friends, catch-up, and cut-loose.

I'm anxious to see what the weekend will hold. I'm hoping that a change of scenery will reenergize me.

My parents are the source of a great deal of support and encouragement. They have guided me over the years and helped me to develop my talents. I honestly think I could do just about anything career-wise and they would be proud of me as long as I was happy.

But it's not as though they have let me go through life willy-nilly. My parents have always encouraged and sometimes enforced discipline. I often think that it is the discipline that my parents have instilled in me that keeps me steadfast on my path towards getting a bachelor's degree (whether it's in journalism or something else). It is this mental and emotional perserverance I must attribute to them.

I hope that talking with them over the weekend will eradicate my overwhelming sense of self-doubt and offer some reassurance.

A break in the clouds.

I'd like to think I take a hold of the good moments whenever they occur. I know I focus almost solely on the negative aspects of my life in this blog, but I'm not a negative person. I actually consider myself a 'glass half-full' type of person. However, I use this blog as a forum for my insecurities, uncertainties, and whining.

All academic negativity and social doldrums aside, I managed to grab a good moment last night. I finished building my road bike.

My boyfriend bought me a road bike off of Craig's List. The bike was a yellow, old Schwinn. I loved the frame but I was overwhelmed by the work it needed. The wheels were rusted, the tires worn and melted, and the brakes and gears didn't really work.

It looked like it had been out in the rain for the last decade.

Initially, I was excited to fix up the bike and buy new wheels, tires, chain, etc. Then I found out it would cost close to $500 of money I don't have for a bike.

The gift of a bike turned into a sour point in my boyfriend and I's relationship after he bought himself a yellow, vintage Italian road bike. His bike was in poor condition as well but he was able to spend the $500 or so to rebuild the bike.

I turned into the green-eyed monster.

Fortunately, we looked into an organization in Pittsburgh that builds bikes called Free Ride Pittsburgh. After three 4 hour evenings at Free Ride, my bike was functioning for a total of $25.

I'm thrilled that I'm my boyfriend and I are now able to ride our twin yellow bikes together.

Acrewing Accomplishments

I measure my self-worth and define who I am by my accomplishments.

You are your accomplishments. Great mantra if you're accomplishing things, but what if you're not?

As it gets closer to the end of the semester, I'm wondering what I've accomplished this semester. I find myself grabbing at straws when it comes to listing what I've done this semester that I should pat myself on the back for doing.

My semester has consisted of keeping my head above water academically and making last-ditch efforts to form a living and learning community on my floor of freshmen residents. I feel as though I'm in a constant S.O.S. situation.



I haven't made any strides in regard to my career. Nothing has been published, not even in the Globe, Point Park University's newspaper. I have no clue where to intern or what I should be interning for.

Personal accomplishments and met goals are lacking as well. I haven't consistently gone to the gym or lost any weight. The only consistent thing I've been doing is eating poorly, barely sleeping, and struggling. I haven't finished any books for pleasure or work on any collages (yes, I like to collage).
My lack of accomplishments academically and personally have left me feeling as though I don't have an identity because I don't have associate my identity with my accomplishments. I need a change in self-perception as well as a new mantra.

Free time is seemingly evasive.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not just in a rut academically or career-wise. I'm in a rut when it comes to my work-out routine, my social life, my recreational activities, etc.

My work-out routine consists of running two and a half miles and doing an ab work-out. I don't do the same routine everyday because it has great results; I do it out of habit.

My social life involves seeing my boyfriend daily and eating lunch or dinner in the residential dining facility with former roommate/friend. Thrilling, I know. On a rare occasion I go to a party, maybe bi-monthly. I'll admit that I don't put much effort forth in regard to my social life because I'm always exhausted and don't have the time.

Recreational activities are almost non-existent. Once-upon a time during the summer, my boyfriend and I used to go on biking and photography excursions. Not anymore. This is again due to my lack of free time.

I have a laundry list of things I want or wanted to do.

I want to go to the Life on Mars exhibit at the Carnegie Museum of Art, I wanted to take pictures of the leaves before they turned brown, I wanted to work on my bicycle and go camping before it got too cold, I want to go to more shows, and I want to do more service projects.

I hope I can fulfill some of these wants before these activities and opportunities are no longer available.

Life on Mars Exhibition.

Concert Schedule.

Community service as a career? Perhaps.

I spent Saturday at a leadership conference at the University of Pittsburgh at Greensburg. One of the workshops I attended was "Marketing your Community Service Towards a Career or Internship." This particular workshop sparked my interest because I participate in a lot of community service projects and have always wanted to have a career that "made a difference."

The workshop itself mainly focused on integrating your community service into your resume but it got me thinking about making helping others into my career. I'm passionate about improving the lives of others and doing something that contributes to society. I'm not sure being a journalist would be as fulfilling as the aforementioned.

I'm not saying I want to join the Peace Corps. Okay, maybe I do kind of want to join the Peace Corps. But for fear of being another overly optimistic, ultruistic college graduate I'd rather do something more practical and local.

Either way, I've found something I want to further explore.

Pittsburgh Cares.

Peace Corps.

International aid work.

Halloween fun

It's literally been months since my boyfriend have been to a party. But last night there was a Halloween party that I could actually attend. I wasn't on duty, I didn't have to do a service project or event, and I didn't have any other obligations.

Finally, a night out.



My old roommate did my hair and make-up. I looked really classy.



My boyfriend did not dress up. Oh well.

Going out and socializing had been foreign to us for the past couple of months. It was exhilirating to get off campus and not think about anything related to school, campus life, or my directionless career path.

For a few hours I was out of the rut that handicaps my social life and pysche.

Stagnant social life

I often reminisce about the not-so long ago summer soirees, date nights, afternoon walks to the South Side, dance parties, and all the other tenets of a social life.









Although summer was merely three months ago, I feel that my current social life or lack there of is polar to my summer existence.

I'm only taking 15 credits but I've also taken on the position of being a Community Facilitator for Point Park University's Campus Life Office. Being a Community Facilitator is similar to being a resident advisor. I live in the dorms and I'm responsible for creating a living and learning community on the floor to which I'm assigned. The theme of my floor is community service which is great for planning activities and events.

However, it can be like pulling teeth getting freshman to attend community service activities on Saturdays. In addition to activity planning and writing proposals and evaluations for said activities: I have to attend a staff meeting every Tuesday night for an hour or so, write a weekly report about how my floor is doing, have a weekly one-on-one with my supervisor, have a bi-weekly one-on-one with the living and learning community coordinator, and spend three hours a week in the Campus Life Office doing secretary work. I also have to be on duty when scheduled. Duty involves doing tours of all five residence buildings to make sure all is well, staying on campus from 8:30p.m. to 8:30a.m in case I'm needed for an emergency (someone came back to school drunk).

Needless to say, this consumes ALL of my time. It's a 24/7 job, I live where I work. I'm a surrogate mother of sorts to 37 18 year-olds on my floor. I love it. It's great being able to make freshmen have a better college experience or be there for someone in need. I love the philosophy behind being a Community Facilitator, helping residents grow and develop as people.

Yet, my Campus Life position has put a major damper on my social life and relationship with my boyfriend. I know that it will pay off, but I'm often left wondering is it worth all the sacrafice? Am I going to be exhausted until May? Will I ever go out and party again?

Career questions.

I'm only taking 15 credits this semester but I feel incredibly overwhelmed and dissatisfied. None of the courses I'm taking seem to present themselves as something I would want to do as a career. Even worse, my grades are floundering in the B to C range. This is disheartening to say the least.

I find my journalism courses to be especially discouraging. I had hoped to find solace in the courses that pertained to my major but I am met with harsh criticism and minimal success. I often leave class feeling even more lost as to the direction my career is taking.

Do I want to write actual news? Do I want to feature writing? Do I want to even be a journalist?



I attempt to reassure myself that there are other options than being a columnist for the New York Times or an editor of an independent music/cultural magazine. But I'm terrified of becoming a barista with a bachelor's in journalism.

Uncertainty

I was under the impression that the majority of my college and career uncertainties would be quelled after my freshman year. Yet as a sophomore, I find myself more uncertain than ever.

I began my freshman year as journalism major and certain that I wanted to write for a living. I thought my future as a cultural journalist was cemented just by being a journalism major. Now, I feel quite the opposite.

It's halfway through the first semester of my sophomore year. My major is still journalism but I'm feeling increasingly unsure in regard to my post-college options. I know I have over two years to figure out my life path but I can't stand not being certain of my direction.